Posted by: Sarah | August 22, 2005

Countdown to Round #5

Refilled a few prescriptions and picked up some groceries today, and even did some ironing! I am definitely in my “Get Things Done Before Chemo Starts” mode.

I was able to reschedule my appointment with the migraine specialist in Memphis. I was originally supposed to go there on Friday morning, but when I realized that’s only two days after Round #5, I got worried. Anyhow, now I’ll be seeing the migraine doctor right after Labor Day instead. Much better!

Also… last night the Fear came back. The fear of cancer getting me. I haven’t mentioned it but we heard late last week that the life insurance company refuses to give me a policy (despite that we signed the application before my cancer diagnosis, but whateva). So last night as I tried to go to sleep, I was thinking about the insurance company’s decision, and then I started remembering finding the lump, and the surgeon’s nurse on the phone “not” telling me that I have cancer, and my mind just started racing. Yes, I know I’ve beaten it this time, but I’m totally scared of it coming back. Because of my gene mutation, it can, and it might. I have a good feeling that my boys won’t have to worry about the gene–either they don’t have the gene, or by the time it might affect them, there’ll be a shot or gene therapy or something to shut off the mutation into cancer–but I am not so sure the treatment will be in time for me. They tell me in the support group that it’s completely normal to bargain with God for time…to say “I want to see my kid graduate from high school” or whatever. My bargain is that I want to dance at my great-grandchildrens’ weddings. But some of that is just talk. I’m not sure I’ll make it to see my boys grow up. I hope I will, don’t misunderstand me, but I don’t know I’m gonna beat it next time.

Anyhow, so I knew I’d never get to sleep thinking crap like that, so I took an Ativan* and fell asleep no problem. God Love Ativan.

* anti-anxiety drug

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