Posted by: Sarah | October 10, 2005

I’m a Worrier Princess

Let me preface this by saying I’m not lying awake at night worrying or anything. It’s really just a low-grade worry, and one that–as someone who’s had cancer–I really probably ought to get used to, since it’s not about to go away anytime soon.

So this Friday will be a month from my last chemo treatment. Next week, I’m due to have a CT/CAT scan to check chest, spine, pelvis, etc. To check that they’re free of cancer, that is. (oh, I’m also having a bone scan, but that is so easy it barely rates mentioning.)

My brain knows that I haven’t had cancer in my body since the lumpectomy was done in early March (we thought at the time that the stupid surgeon hadn’t gotten clean margins, but the surgeon who did the bilateral found that SS actually had gotten clean margins, plus my lymph nodes were clean), and that I had six rounds of intense cancer-killing drugs, but I’m still more than a teeny bit worried.

A woman on a message board I visit (used to visit it more than I do now) is losing her battle with breast cancer. She only heard in early September that the cancer was back and the doctors told her family late last week that they don’t expect her to make it another two weeks; she’s sedated, in the hospice, where she’ll die. People from that site have emailed me, to see if I was the one that the message (the board admins put a sticky message on the boards talking about a member of the community with breast cancer) referred to and it gave me a bit of a start…like “is there something I don’t know that you do about my health??”

And last Friday, on the new Martha Stewart talk show, she profiled one of her best friends who lost her battle with breast cancer. She (the friend) died a year after diagnosis. I was bawling after watching that. The whole ep was pretty much about breast cancer awareness, as Friday was Denim Day and the Denim Day co-chairs (two of the men from Desperate Housewives, both of whose mothers died of breast cancer) were featured.

So that sucks. A ton.

Anyhow, I can’t help but worry that my phone will ring next Tuesday afternoon, and that it’ll be my oncologist calling with not-great news about my test results. I only worry about it a few times a day, so that’s pretty good for this Worrier Princess. That said, if I get a few days past the test without a call from my oncologist, I’ll be havin’ a party (because, you know, if the doctor calls the day after the test, it’s probably not good news).

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