Posted by: Sarah | March 6, 2008

Leftover Hormones

Editor’s note: THIS IS NOT A CANCER POST.

Seriously, I had such a bad case of The Rage yesterday that I was half-wondering to myself if the surgeons REALLY did take out my ovaries ’cause damn if that wasn’t some bad PMS yesterday.

To begin with, our microwave died yesterday morning. This actually isn’t all that sad because — like most things regarding the kitchen in this house — I’m not a fan of this particular microwave. But when it thumps and makes a horrible grinding noise and starts to smell like an electrical fire AND doesn’t heat the food inside it? I think it’s safe to say it’s time to go replace it.
Tom and Thomas both had dentist appointments (cleanings) and while they were gone, I took measurements of the microwave spot (the broken one is an over-the-range model, which is probably my favorite thing about it) and started looking up stuff on Consumer Reports about microwaves. Good thing, ’cause after the dentist, they went over to Home Depot and Tom started reading off model numbers over the phone and asking impatiently what he should get.

Well, since the kitchen in this house is the bane of my existence, I should’ve known that the microwave would cause trouble, too. Just like when we went refrigerator and dishwasher shopping, because of the crappy set-up of the kitchen, we are really limited in terms of size of what we can even look at. Like when we were refrigerator shopping, we had to get a side-by-side model because the full-size doors wouldn’t have enough room to swing open when in the kitchen’s refrigerator spot. We also could only get one with a certain width because, again, the brilliant builders only alloted a teeny amount of space for the fridge. Anyhow, you get the idea.

The upshot of this is that the space in the kitchen for the microwave is pretty small and it seemed like we didn’t have many options if we wanted it to A) fit and B) not be crap. (aside: because, naturally, if you don’t mind crap and small, they can set you up no problem) Finally we found ONE microwave that would fit (although be a smidgen bigger, but still able to fit into the space), that Consumer Reports said was really rather decent, and that Home Depot carries.

Yeah, but they don’t have any in STOCK, of course. They could order it and have it shipped to the store for pickup, but it wouldn’t arrive until March 19 (!!!) or they could order it and have it delivered to our house on March 10. But we’d have to pay delivery charges of $60.

By now, Tom is like “well, hell, I’m really late for work now, you just find it cheaper on the net or come back later on and get whatever you decide.” (don’t get me started on that).

So I keep doing research on Consumer Reports and look all over the internet and find that the one single microwave model that fits all of our needs (and isn’t $1,000 — seriously, they make $1,000 microwaves. I don’t know about y’all, but I will not be buying a $1K microwave until it can do things like drive my kids to school) is exclusive to Home Depot so we have to order it through them. Sumbitches.

Much later in the day — having completely panicked at lunchtime because most everything the kids like to eat these days is microwaveable — I haul the boys over to Home Depot. Naturally, it is a huge ordeal getting them in the store, but FINALLY I get all the way to the back of the store where they hide the Kitchen Appliances, track down a salesgirl, and say “fluck it, just order it and have it delivered on Monday.”

The girl says “oh, here, let me give you a 10% off coupon and by the way, you might also be interested in this delivery fee rebate program we have that will give you your delivery fee back.” Um, YES!

Naturally, though, I have to go to the front registers to actually purchase the microwave (scheduled to arrive on Monday). Rat bastids.

Along the way I pick up some lightbulbs or something. The boys are total wildmen by this point, and are running around the register trying to get on the intercom system (something they did at Kohl’s two weeks ago, by the way, so clearly they learn nothing.), pointing cans of Off! at eachothers’ faces and trying to spray them, and general acting-up…all while the cashier takes her damn sweet time ringing me up. she reads off the printout all the things that I am paying for and reads off $60 for installation charges.

That’s another $60 that Home Depot wants for, essentially, plugging in the microwave.

Tom swears up and down he can install the new microwave and I’m sure that he can. So I say “I don’t want to order installation after all.” She says, “well, then go back to Kitchen Appliances and have them take it off your order.”Given that the boys are raising a ruckus and there’s suddenly a line of people a dozen deep behind me, I don’t know what she was thinking.

Here’s what I was thinking: “fluck you, lady.”

Instead, I said, “oh forget it, just ring it all up.”

She does, I write a check for the total, and somehow make it to the car with the boys hollering that they want to go to the Dollar Store for sunglasses, Mama! and We GOOD boys in the store, Mama! in my ear. The you’re-seriously-about-to-run-out-of-gas-any-second-moron light is on in the car, so I stop for gas, then start driving home. At a red light, I start looking over the receipt from Home Depot.

That 10% off coupon they gave me? Applied it only to the lightbulbs. Not the $300+ microwave. THE $10 LIGHTBULBS.

I go Hulk Angry and turn around and drive back to Home Depot, where I commence to hollerin’ at the cashier. Okay, i didn’t actually yell, but I was in that shaking-I’m-so-furious state, you know? I mean, REALLY, people, force me to pay for installation AND only discount the lightbulbs? What The Fluck.

To her credit, the cashier is actually very calm and collected. She points out that the salesgirl in Kitchen Appliances had actually taken the 10% off when she special-ordered the microwave, and I said oops, and then I asked about cancelling the installation charges. Because I paid by check, she got the manager to explain that they can cancel the installation charges but that they can’t refund that money ’til the check clears and as I’d written it seconds before, there hadn’t really been time for that, but they will refund that when the check clears, oh definitely, absolutely, ma’am, no problem whatsoever.

That all took like two hours, by the way. And I still won’t have a microwave until Monday, probably night at this point because Tom is surely not going to be able to install it until that night.

I’m afraid to think of how crazy angry I might’ve gotten if I still had my ovaries and accompanying hormones. Wow!
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